I had always prided myself on being strong so I was always of the opinion that if I ever lost a loved one, I would not cry; just feel terribly sad but not cry in public, only in private. I always thought the ones who wailed in public were just being overly dramatic. It was not until I lost someone very very close to me, that I actually realized I was not as strong as I thought and they were not being overly dramatic, just expressing their grief.
I was shocked at the number of times I cried – in private though – throughout the whole time, at night, in the day, at literally random moments. Every little thing reminded me of my loss so it took all of me to understand how some of the closest people to me, and to her as well, were so calm about things. Some acted as though it never happened, consoling me as if they were not directly hit as well. Some couldn’t stop crying uncontrollably – which was frankly quite irritating to me – as I thought that they shouldn’t have to cry so much if I wasn’t crying that much. Some laughed from the day they heard the news till the day of the funeral and that idea actually got me worried as it just seemed that they were in denial. Some were just completely straightfaced and doing everything as if they were not involved at all. And the worst ones, for me, were the ones that seemed completely indifferent as they kept about their daily activities like absolutely nothing happened.
It took several very touching posts on social media about the person we lost, calls reporting lack of focus at work, aggression at school, sleepless nights accompanied by crying among others for me to understand that everyone was processing their grief differently. I fell into the category of sleepless nights accompanied by crying so I understood well. I also was angry at life generally for taking her so I understood the aggression too. The five stages of grief had to be gone through before we all could heal properly. I was at a loss for words to say so I tried to be there for them in all the little ways I knew, to ease the pain of loss a little bit.
Everyone processes emotions differently and what I learnt in that dark time was that grief has many faces. The lady who is so composed and put together may be experiencing some grief; as well as the vibrant, bubbly, energetic person, or the quiet man who seems like he’s trying to be as mysterious as Edward Cullen in Twilight, or the girl who just can’t stop talking etc. All we can try to do is be there for them in their time of need and support them the best we can in their journey forward.
Article by Soomto Ajanma
