Last Saturday, Daniel Ricciardo went through what might best be described as a long, dark night of the soul.
Following the death of Formula 2 driver Anthoine Hubert at the Belgian Grand Prix, the Renault driver went back to his hotel and questioned whether it was all worth it. The answer did not come easily, but in the end the Australian raced at Spa on Sunday.
Four days on, he sits down with BBC Sport at the start of the Italian Grand Prix weekend, and delves deep into what it takes for a racing driver to confront his fears and race on in such difficult circumstances.
“I certainly questioned it,” the 30-year-old Australian, who won seven grands prix for Red Bull before moving to Renault for this season, says. “The reality is, weirdly, I do love it too much. Racing did feel right in the end. Even though I didn’t really want to, once I did it, it was like, OK, this
actually feels right and normal.”
For a long time over last weekend, though, it felt anything but normal.
“When you’re a kid and you see it on TV, and you’re not present or not part of it,” Ricciardo says, “it still seems like there is some form of distance, or a disconnection to what’s happened.
“But when you’re there and it happens to one of your colleagues, or it’s in the same race, it seems more real, and it’s like: ‘OK, this actually can happen to anyone, and it’s here, it’s present right now.’
“The realisation of us not being invincible does set in. I know my parents stress enough for me already – you know, watching me race and travel the world and being on a plane every few days. You just question it: is it really worth putting not only myself but family under the same amount of
stress?”
The night of the accident, Ricciardo says, he “didn’t get much sleep, and for sure you’re asking yourself questions, probably just fighting a little bit with some anger and some frustration of ‘why,’ you know?
“And then also fighting with a few of the emotions of should I actually get up and race tomorrow? Is it the right thing to do morally? Is it the right thing to do for me?
“And I kind of did also think: ‘Let’s see how I feel by lunchtime, and if I’m still having some doubts then maybe the safest thing for me is not to race.’
“I kind of wanted to play it by ear. Just running through all these scenarios: ‘What if I feel like this? What if that?’
“By Sunday morning, I had a bit more clarity. I did manage to sleep a little bit and wake up preparing myself for race day. But it still felt cold and weird. It didn’t feel right to be excited to race, just to be happy to be there. It felt like, tick off the minutes and get the job done.
“The lead-up to the race, I’d probably just describe it as not very fun in terms of just it was tough to try and go through the motions and go through a routine when that has happened less than 24 hours ago. And, you know, drivers’ parade and all that, you’re waving to fans, but you don’t feel
right smiling or being happy, I guess.
“It was difficult, just trying to get into the zone, just trying to find any form of rhythm.
“Getting in the car on Sunday was not easy, but it was more of a sadness than a fear and I think it was important I established that. If I had been getting in the car with a pure level of fear, then it wouldn’t have been smart for me to race. I did understand that it was just a sadness.”
“Once we kind of got going, it actually felt like pretty good release. It felt like a de-stress, just racing and competing. Just going at those speeds, it was like flushing out the system and that felt good.
“After the race, for sure I was still glad it was done but I did feel better than I did two hours before that.
“I’ll be honest, the race was fun. It was good to be out there. And as much as I was looking forward to seeing the chequered flag, I did enjoy a pure race on Sunday.”
The race, he says, acted as a form of catharsis.
“When something happens, you’ve just go to dive back into it, and that’s the best way of overcoming it. And I think that’s what the race was for us. I told myself little things as well: ‘Just go fast as soon as possible. Leave the pits and just go, and try to get into that mode already. Don’t tip-toe around. Don’t over-think certain places on the track.’
“I remember I got out of the pits, drifted out, and forced myself to get into that mindset straight away.”
